


hurt i can't shake

by qjett



Series: burned out [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depression, Heavy Angst, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron)-centric, M/M, No Spoilers for Season 7, Season 6 Spoilers, follows after the events of season 6, im sorry in advance, its like an undertone, klance isnt really a thing, lance doesnt feel loved, this is me projecting my depression onto lance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-20 02:43:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15524316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qjett/pseuds/qjett
Summary: Lance is lonely these days. No one seems to notice.





	hurt i can't shake

**Author's Note:**

> based pretty much on pepplemint's art of lance drowning [which I learned after writing this is an actual fic. it's probably better than mine]  
> if you want this but with a happy ending, it's the next work over  
> enjoy! (:

Lance wouldn’t really consider himself to be depressed.

Depressed people have a reason to be depressed, you know? They have their lives crumbling around them, financial problems and dead families and sick friends. They feel defeated for totally reasonable reasons.

And Lance didn’t have a reason. _It’s just homesickness _, he just told himself. And at first, that’s what it was. Lance loved being a paladin, don’t get him wrong. He loved saving lives and meeting cool aliens and exploring new worlds, and with his friends by his side, no less. It was all he had ever dreamed of when he was at the Garrison. But…he just wished he could do all that from home.__

__He didn’t voice his doubts. Sure, the team knew of his homesickness. But after the way Keith reacted to Pidge wanting to find her family, Lance kept his mouth shut. He missed his family and dreamed of coming home behind closed doors._ _

__And then Shiro came back – well, not Shiro. Well, kind of Shiro. Whatever – Shiro came back and Lance had just gotten accustomed to the Red Lion. And he knew Shiro was going to return to Black, because he had a special bond with Black that the other paladins didn’t yet have with their lions just yet. And Keith had always been a better pilot than him, so of course he was going to return to Red. And that would’ve been fine, because than Lance could return to Blue and everything would be back to normal._ _

__But Allura had gotten so good with Blue so quickly. Quicker than Lance ever had. She had bonded with Blue so fast and was learning cool new things and making the team so much better. So, if Allura was better in Blue than Lance had been, that just left one paladin out of the picture. Him._ _

__It was too much. He had already felt so much loneliness being on the team. It felt like everyone had a place but him. He went to talk to Keith about it, and Keith made him feel good. He was a great leader – Shiro and the Black Lion hadn’t chosen incorrectly. He was a hothead, sure, and sometimes a downright ass, but he had a good heart. Or whatever._ _

__Lance hadn’t meant for Keith to leave. He knew a part of the reason Keith left was because of him, because of his concerns and doubts. Why Keith would factor that into his decision to leave the team was beyond Lance. He knew he should’ve felt some relief that his spot on the team as a paladin was secured. But the thought of Keith leaving, the prominent gaping hole in the team that Keith had made, it left some kind of…void in Lance. Suddenly, it was like the one person who recognized Lance and made him feel seen just…vanished. Yes, Hunk was an amazing best friend. But he had so much more in common with Pidge, and the two had bonded over their love for technology. Allura would never see him the way he saw her, Coran was always preoccupied, and Keith and Shiro had always been family._ _

__Of course, Shiro disappeared – no, died. Shiro died and Keith turned to Lance. He would patrol around the empty, dark castle until he found Lance. Some nights Lance would sit on his chair in the main control room as the castle cruised through the galaxy. Seeing the lights of the stars and the looming silhouettes 0f the planets put things into perspective for him. He wasn’t Lance McClain, former pilot of the Blue Lion, current pilot of the Red Lion, paladin of Voltron, defender of the universe. He was a man drifting through space._ _

__Those nights, Keith would find him. At first, Keith would just sit in his chair and stare out into space while Lance made small observations. Eventually he joined the conversation, and they weren’t rivals, they weren’t teammates who had to get along. They were men drifting through space. Sometimes, they were even friends. And although they both missed Shiro, they used that common factor to grow closer._ _

__Then Keith left. And it all went downhill from there. Shiro wasn’t Shiro, Allura fell for a dictator, Pidge and Hunk worked on their own problems, and now the castle was gone. It was like Lance wasn’t even a person anymore. He shut down after trying to prove himself over and over again before realizing that no one saw his efforts. And it wasn’t their fault that Lance’s need to be in the spotlight was trumped by every single other problem. It was fine. Because Lance knew his problems were insignificant compared to everything else._ _

__So, no, Lance was not depressed. He was homesick, and he missed Keith, and the team had a lot on their plate. His issues were not important._ _

__He was not depressed at all._ _

__\--_ _

__It felt weird for everyone to be back together again after so long. It felt weird to have added members to their team. Romelle was nice enough, and Krolia had Keith’s familiar stoic nature, and Keith’s wolf-thing was a welcome guest. He liked Lance, but probably only because Lance fed him food under the table and gave him scratches behind the ear._ _

__And Keith. He was older, taller, and so different then when Lance had seen him last. He laughed a lot more, smiled a lot more, and even cracked a few jokes. But he was busy catching up with real-undead-Shiro, which was understandable. They were family, and Shiro had been dead. Lance was no longer a seventh wheel. He was now a ninth wheel. Which was, you know. Fantastic. Whatever. He could manage._ _

__They had all stopped at one planet to refuel and rest for a bit. The inhabitants of the planet were more than happy to lend their royal tower to the paladins for a while. It was a tight fit, but everyone was fine with the somewhat-cramped arrangement. Of course, with Lance being the odd one out, he wasn’t too pleased. But now he was used to trying to speak and someone interrupting him. He probably hadn’t spoken loud enough, anyway. Now, he was used to turning to Hunk and seeing him laughing with Romelle, or in deep conversation with Pidge. Lance probably wouldn’t have understood the conversation, anyway. Now, he was used to turning to animals for conversation. They were probably lonelier than Lance was, anyway._ _

__Although he was used to it, it didn’t mean that this didn’t still suck a little bit. He seriously reconsidered his dream. Was being a paladin really worth it? Seriously, sitting at a crowded table shouldn’t make him feel so damn lonely._ _

__But they wouldn’t keep him on the team unless they really did need him. Right? Shiro had talked about stepping down as the pilot of the Black Lion and letting Keith take the reigns. Lance’s spot as the pilot for Red was completely secured. Unless Coran or Krolia or even Keith’s space wolf wanted to take a crack at being a paladin. They were probably better at it than Lance was._ _

__Lance’s sister used to call him a jack-of-all-trades. Which Lance thought was pretty cool. He used to flaunt it at school. That is, until, someone informed him of the rest of the phrase. _Master of none _. Now if that didn’t just fit Lance like a glove.___ _

____Maybe he could be the entertainment for the team. Like a jester for them to poke fun at. After all, he was just the goofball of the team, right?_ _ _ _

____“Lance,” Keith said. He was sitting across from Lance with Krolia and Shiro on either side of him. He looked so happy, like he finally found his place. _Must be nice _.___ _ _ _

______“What’s up?” Lance blinked, clearing his throat._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’ve barely touched your food,” Keith commented._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Oh, is it not good?’’ Hunk asked. His eyebrows furrowed in a worried way. He had helped the beings of this planet cook the meal, because he wanted to learn more recipes. And because he was actually helpful._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No,” Lance assured him, “it’s good. I’m just not all that hungry. I think I’m gonna turn in for the night.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Are you sure?” Shiro asked with a concerned smile. “It’s still a little early.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Time is a construct, Shiro,” Lance replied, getting up from the table._ _ _ _ _ _

______“We were going to teach Keith, Romelle, and Krolia Monsters and Mana,” Pidge said in a singsong voice._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m real tired,” Lance pressed. “Tomorrow, maybe.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______As he was walking down the halls to his temporary living space, he heard someone follow him out._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Hey, man,” Keith said in a soft voice as the dining room doors closed behind him. “You all right?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Quiznak,” Lance scoffed, “can’t a guy just be tired for once?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Keith stopped, and so did Lance. He had his back turned from the other man, but he could still feel Keith’s piercing gaze on his neck. “I just…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“What?” Lance sighed._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t know,” he huffed. “I just thought we moved past this. I thought we could talk about things.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You don’t have time for this,” Lance threw Keith’s words from before back in his face. The words he tried convincing himself didn’t hurt him. “You left, and things changed. A lot happened. You changed, I changed. You don’t have time for this.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I have time now,” Keith said quietly._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Cool,” Lance replied. “I guess it’s a real shame that I don’t, then.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He walked away and turned into his room, slamming the door. Keith didn’t follow._ _ _ _ _ _

______\--_ _ _ _ _ _

______Lance couldn’t sleep that night. All he could think about was the whirlpool of loneliness and desperation swirling inside of him. Why did Keith suddenly care? And why did Lance care that Keith cared? Why did he care that Keith left and brushed him off?_ _ _ _ _ _

______Whatever was the reason, he lost sleep over it. He lost sleep over a lot these days. It always resulted in an exhaustion that he felt in his bones. He gave up chasing after a girl who had no interest in him, he gave up fighting for attention, and he gave up hope that Keith would come back to him a long time ago. He gave up needing to feel loved, and he gave up loving people who didn’t love him back._ _ _ _ _ _

______He felt defeated. Over nothing! Because there were people enslaved by the Galra, Alteans brainwashed by Lotor, and a million beings with problems a million times more pressing than Lance’s. He tried so hard to get over himself, to just _give it a damn rest, already _. He was going to be home soon, anyway. What did it matter, being lonely and desperate and defeated? Maybe he would stay at home. He could work at his abuela’s bodega on the oceanside in Varadero. He could tell his nieces and nephews stories of his travels in space. He could spend his days tanning by the sea, soaking in the Cuban sun.___ _ _ _ _ _

________That night, he tried to dream of sun and sand, of pineapple mojitos and ropa vieja, of happiness and comfort. Of course, he kept waking up every hour due to tornados destroying everything in the dream or coming home and seeing that everyone had died while he was gone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Some nights were better than others._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________\--_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Lance ended up getting out of bed much earlier than he usually did. He guessed. It was hard to tell time when the sun on this planet was blue and was rotated by other smaller blue suns. And when there was no time conversion chart._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He spent his time washing Red and talking to Kaltenecker to combat his restlessness. It was what he ended up doing most nights. Now that the castle was gone, it meant there was a lot less to do. All the team really did now was fly in tight formation for days at a time, occasionally stopping for rest and fuel or distress calls from nearby planets. Even with the Galra empire turning a new leaf, there was still much to fix in the galaxies._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________After a few hours, or at least what felt like hours, Lance heard Coran’s voice rousing the other paladins from sleep and calling them to gather in the tower’s meeting room. He didn’t say specifics, but it sounded urgent so Lance put aside his cleaning supplies and ran up to the deck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Good morning, everyone,” Coran said once they were all together. Everyone looked tired, besides Keith, who had probably been up just as long as Lance had. Shiro and Krolia were also there, probably itching to train or move or do something besides sit around like they had been thus far._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What’s going on?” Hunk asked, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He was at least dressed in his uniform, which was a start._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“The Rykan rulers of this planet have asked us to help them,” Coran explained. “Apparently, some of their people were carrying some supplies for the colonies and fell into a ravine. They’re been stuck in there, but the Rykans don’t have the tools to help them out. I figured, it’s the least we could do after they’re opened up their planet to us. It won’t be a hard job. They only need about two of you, tops.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I can go,” Lance found himself offering. He had been up, anyway, and Red was ready to go. “I mean, I’m obviously the right man for the job, seeing as I’m such a hero.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Very funny,” Keith deadpanned. “I’ll go with Lance. You guys don’t mind staying here, do you? We might need more hands if the situation escalates.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“We’ll stay right here, Keith,” Allura assured. “Just remember, Rykans are naturally skittish beings and will most likely be frightened by your lions. You’ll have to be very patient and calm with them when rescuing.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Patient? Calm? Keith?” Lance teased._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh, relax,” Keith glared._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Call us if you need us!” Hunk shouted after them as they walked away to get to their lions._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“And don’t die!” Pidge laughed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Keith and Lance were silent as they climbed into their lions. Lance didn’t really know what to say to him after last night. It didn’t matter, anyway. Keith was probably just trying to be a good leader – he didn’t genuinely care about Lance’s pity party. Somehow, Lance didn’t feel any comfort from this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They flew for a while before nearing the ravine and flew their lions to a nearby location. Keith had grabbed climbing supplies before leaving and had Lance carry harnesses while Keith carried ropes. The air between them felt tense. Keith let out a discontented noise._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Something feels off,” he muttered, shifting the ropes so his right hand was free to grab his bayard._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What?” Lance snorted. “Are your Galra senses tingling?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m serious,” Keith fired back. “I just feel it in my gut. It feels off.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Maybe you should’ve eaten breakfast,” Lance deadpanned._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh, forget it,” Keith grunted. “Go down there and help those people.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The had reached the edge of the ravine, a big chunk cut off from the ground. It must’ve been what sent the Rykans tumbling below. Lance could feel the ground pulsing beneath him as he looked down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Does the ground feel weird to you?” Lance asked. “I mean, I know it’s an alien planet and all, but...”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yeah, it does,” Keith confirmed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“It’s water!” Coran chirped from inside their comms. “This planet is ripe with water – even their suns have water on it. There’s probably a few waterfalls up ahead.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What’s the physics of that?” Lance questioned. “Water on sun. How does that work?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“It’s an alien planet, Lance,” Pidge said. “Don’t strain your brain too much trying to understand it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Lance exhaled and ignored Pidge. Sure, he wasn’t a scientist like…pretty much everyone else on the team, but he wasn’t stupid. Whatever. Pidge probably didn’t mean it that way, anyway. He was always too sensitive about things._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Lance started to hook himself up to his harness and loop a rope through for Keith to attach to the ground. “I’ll give them the harnesses and tug on the rope when they’re ready for you to pull them up. Sound okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yeah,” Keith nodded. “And Lance…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What?” Lance looked up wearily. He didn’t want some lecture from Keith. “I can do this, you don’t need to tell me what to do.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“No, I just…” Keith turned away to attach the grappling hook to a rock and wrap the rope around to secure it. “Be careful.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I know how to be careful,” Lance grumbled as he lowered himself down into the ravine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Remember to be patient and calm!” Allura chirped into the comms._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yes, thank you,” Lance rolled his eyes, something he wouldn’t do if Allura could see him because she’d probably kill him for having an attitude._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________As he climbed down, he could see the scrapes of the chunk that fell against the walls of the earth. He couldn’t see anyone looking down, so he figured they must have moved on or hid or something. That was until he moved down and saw a hidden pocket in the rock wall, like a small cave. He moved over a few feet to swing into the pocket and saw a small gathering of aliens._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They were tiny creatures, the biggest about the size of an average eight-year-old child. Their skin was wet-looking and deep blue, and their white eyes were the size of Lance’s pinkie nail. There was probably about ten of them all huddled in a group with small bins of food shoved in a corner. When they saw Lance, they started making gurgling noises that sounded like someone talking under water._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Hi, I’m Lance,” Lance introduced himself in a calm voice, keeping a respectful distance from the Rykans. “I’m a paladin of Voltron. I’m here to help you guys make it back home. Is that okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Lance,” bubbled the largest of the group, “you will save us?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yes,” Lance gave them a reassuring smile. “I have these harnesses,” Lance held them up, “and I’m going to help you guys put them on. Up there, where you guys fell, there’s a man named Keith. He’s the leader of Voltron, and he’s going to pull you guys up. You’ll be totally safe.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They made more gurgling noises, but they sounded less panicked from before. “Thank you,” one said in a silky, soft voice. “Thank you, Lance and Keith of Voltron.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Of course,” Lance replied. “Who’s first?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________One by one, Lance helped the aliens with the harnesses and would have Keith pull them up two at a time. Within half an hour, Lance had sent the very last of the Rykans up to Keith._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Is that all of them?” Keith asked in Lance’s comm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I think so,” Lance replied. “I’m going to do one more sweep – you can take them home, if you want to. I’ll take any stragglers I might find, and the food bins they were carrying.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Are you sure?” Keith’s voice crackled in Lance’s ear. “I can wait.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“No, it’s fine,” Lance assured him. “Go ahead. I’ve got this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Okay,” Keith agreed. “Good job today, Lance.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Lance hummed to avoid having to say anything. He just wanted Keith to go and stop talking into his ear. He didn’t need praises from Keith, especially not empty ones. He waited for a bit before doing a sweep of the cave. It was a small cave, so there weren’t many places to hide. Once he was sure he was the only one left. Lance stacked up the small bins of food and other supplies. He was about to head out when he heard a rumble go through the cave. The ground beneath him started to shake, and he let out a gasp when his feet slipped from underneath him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Everything okay?” Keith asked._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yeah,” Lance coughed. “The ground just rumbled. It was weird.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Lance! Keith!” Coran shouted into their comms. “The Rykan rulers have just told us that it’s their earthquake season – that’s how the Rykans fell into that ravine. It’s imperative that you two get out with the people you’ve saved as quickly as possible. We don’t know when the next quake will be.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“That would’ve been useful to know before going into this, Coran,” Keith hissed. “Lance, can you make it out alright?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yeah, you go ahead,” Lance said. “I’ll be just fine. Take them in the Black Lion so you can get out quicker.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Okay, Lance,” Keith sighed. “Be careful.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Always,” Lance uttered. There was something in Keith’s voice that made his heart skip a beat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Just as he was about to pick the bins up again, Lance felt another rumble go through the earth. A hissing sound came from his left, and he turned to see a small stream of water shooting from a hole in the wall. More rumbles tumbled through the cave, and a breaking sound jerked his attention to the mouth of the cave. Rubble was starting to fall from the ceiling and rocks were breaking at the mouth. He went to move again before another bigger tremble knocked him off his feet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He watched as the opening of the cave started to fill with rocks and the hissing of the water became louder. Lance turned to the water, but before he could even mutter “Quiznak,” a strong spray of water hit him in the face and knocked his helmet right off._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What the –” Lance spluttered before a rock broke from the ceiling and smacked him right in the head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Everything went dark._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________\--_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He thought he was dreaming, at first._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________There was this rushing of water in his ear, but other than that it was silent. And he was floating. He thought he was dreaming of the beaches of Cuba again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But it wasn’t sunny, and there were no kids laughing or bells chiming, and Lance’s head was in massive pain. So definitely not dreaming._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His eyes blinked open to a dim cave and the ceiling a lot closer than it was before._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Lance jerked up and coughed water out of his mouth. The mouth of the cave was closed up from rocks that must’ve fallen from the tremors, so the stream of water breaking through the rocks was making the cave fill up with water, fast. He stood on shaky legs, and the water reached his hips. How long had he been out?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His helmet was floating a few feet away, so he grabbed it and put it on. It hurt his forehead when he slid it on, and the voices on the comms didn’t help._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“–ear to God, Lance,” Keith was saying, his voice tight, “you better answer me, now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Keith?” Lance rasped._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Lance!” he heard from not only Keith, but the rest of the team from back at the tower._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Where the hell are you?” Keith shouted. “I made it back here, but you were nowhere to be found. What the hell, Lance?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“The…the cave,” Lance cleared his throat. “It closed up. Off. The rocks closed it off. The river broke through the rock and now I’m standing in, like, four feet of water.” The water had now reached up to his ribcage._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He rushed to the mouth of the cave and tried to pull the rocks, but they were stuck fast. There was no opening anywhere._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m coming, Lance,” Keith called. “Try to get out. I’m coming to get you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Keith…” Lance’s voice strained as he tried to pull at the rocks. “Dammit! They’re too slippery, they feel like seaweed. Fuck!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He kept pulling and pulling to no avail. His eyes were starting to sting as he felt tears cloud his eyes, and his throat was closing like it always did when he was about to cry. “Fuck,” he repeated, his voice thick._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Lance,” Hunk said, sounding like he was already crying, “you can’t give up. Keith and Allura are going over there now, you have to keep trying.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I can’t!” Lance cried. His cheeks were hot and tears trailed down his face. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! It’s too slippery, I-I can’t get a good – ugh – grip!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His hands slapped back in his face as he pulled too fast. The water was up to his shoulders. There was probably only a foot of space above him, and at the rate the water was filling…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Keith,” Lance sniffed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What?” Keith snapped. “We’re almost there, Lance – fuck! C’mon, Black, c’mon. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Keith,” Lance repeated._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Don’t,” Keith growled. “I’ll kill you if you ever use that tone of voice again.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Lance, we’re almost there,” Allura pressed. “Please hold on.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Allura,” Lance said, “I know you’re tired. I know. And if you get here and I’m dead –”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“No!” the team shouted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“If I’m dead,” Lance continued, “you don’t need to bring me back. I mean, you can try, but if you can’t do it, it’s okay. You’ve already saved me once, you’ve saved Shiro – it’s okay if you can’t this time.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Good thing I can, then,” Allura swallowed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Lance swam to the top of the cave, the water swirling beneath him. Everything was dark and cold, but if he closed his eyes he could almost imagine home._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Tell my family I love them,” Lance whispered. “Please. I can’t…” He kicked at the rocks, but of course, they didn’t budge._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Lance, don’t do that,” Shiro begged. “You’re going to be fine.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Lance,” Keith sounded like he was holding back tears. “We’re so close, Lance. We’re so, so close.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m so tired, guys,” Lance sighed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Well, wake up!” Pidge shouted. “God, Lance, be un-tired!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He pulled off his helmet, not wanting the team to hear his gurgles. He smiled, thinking of all the people he had saved being a paladin. He remembered their food goo fights, the excitement he felt every time they formed Voltron, the smiles and love of the aliens they freed. He could see Hunk cooking, his tongue poking out of his mouth in concentration as he poured some Altean flour into a cup. He saw Pidge in the glow of the TV light, laughing as she kicked Lance’s ass in a video game. He saw Shiro put his hand on his shoulder, smiling at him like Lance was important and telling him what a good job he did. He saw Allura squeezing his arm as she thanked him for always telling her what she needed to hear. He saw Coran ruffling his hair and calling him son. He saw Keith, his head cocked and his lips giving Lance the softest smile he’d ever seen. Lance wished he could see Keith smile one more time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Lance McClain took one last breath as the water filled the cave. He was not depressed, or homesick, or lonely; he was not a paladin, or a pilot, or a hero; he was not even a man in space._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He was nothing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> I thought when I originally wrote this I wanted a happy ending [which I did end up writing after convincing myself I needed more klance], but after I wrote "he was nothing" I was like actually I like this ending. im sorry if the paladins seem like asses, but sometimes friends can be asses and exclusive without even realizing it. they're still good people. I wanted to write more shiro and pidge and hunk but I didn't want to force it.   
> if you want all this and a happy ending, click the next work.


End file.
